Kindness Is Never Wasted. It Costs Nothing, But It Can Mean Everything!
Hope Infusion Newsletter ~ August Edition
“There’s nothing quite as traumatic as losing a close loved one suddenly and unexpectedly. I know because my husband died in bed next to me. And it still pains me to this day.”
A pregnant pause ensued as my mind embarked on an impromptu scavenger hunt searching for words to respond to this raw and tender share.
Because I wasn’t talking to a friend. I wasn’t even talking to an acquaintance. I was conversing by phone with Sheila, a customer service representative with Bank of America who was assisting with resolution of an account issue.
My search for the right words proved unfruitful. I’m not sure “right words” for such a heart rending disclosure even exist.
All I could muster was a stunned and sympathetic: “Oh my God. I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
That brief offer of acknowledgment was the key unlocking a door, that freed Sheila to further unburden herself.
For the next 30 minutes, my account issues receded into the background, and an impromptu camaraderie rose to the fore.
Sometimes people just need someone to listen. No advice. No words. Just an attentive ear. Even if it’s the ear of a stranger.
Sheila shared that her husband died 6 years prior after 24 years of marriage.
She arose one ill fated morning, dressed for work, and tried unsuccessfully to rouse him. He had suffered a heart attack during the night and drifted into eternity while he slept.
Grief therapy has been helpful. Yet, not a day passes that she doesn’t think of him.
She told me it’s okay, not to know what to say when a friend is faced with catastrophic loss. When a person grieves trauma of that magnitude, they aren’t looking for “right words”, nor for friends and loved ones to “fix it” — because there is no fixing it.
They mostly desire to be heard. Seen. Supported. Understood.
I learned something profound from that encounter.
Everyone has a story that will break your heart. And if you’re paying attention, everyone has a story that will bring you to your knees. (~Dr. Brene Brown)
Sheila’s was just such a story.
I gazed out the window overlooking my driveway, while we conversed, expecting my husband’s Toyota Camry to turn the corner at any moment.
The prospect of him not returning from work? Unimaginable.
The prospect of me waking the next morning, and him not? Unimaginable.
But here’s the thing.
Six years prior, it had been unimaginable for Sheila too---until it wasn’t.
Her story of heartbreak, heightened my awareness about far more than the excruciating emotional effects of unexpected grief.
It was a bright beacon in the fog of 2020 incivility, spotlighting the need for empathy and kindness which were in short supply as the cumulative stresses of Covid-19 and it’s widespread ramifications caused tempers to flare and patience to wane.
It was a comma in the sentence of pandemic life prompting me to pause, take a breath and SEE the humanity in those who answer our calls, ring up our groceries, process our payments, and serve us at restaurants.
I don’t know why my conversation with Sheila took such a personal detour. It was one of those unplanned synchronicities that happened organically.
I’m not sure who was more blessed by our interaction, me from having heard her grief story, or she from having been granted a brief respite...a verbal retreat to an island of connection amidst a sea of customer service calls.
I DO know that the exchange was embedded with a powerful lesson for me that is directly applicable to the crosswinds of tension blowing with increasing ferocity throughout our nation:
Kindness is never wasted. It makes a difference and blesses both the receiver and the giver. It’s a gift that everyone can give. It costs nothing. But it can mean everything.
My awareness of this reality has been heightened in this season during which I’ve been involuntarily propelled into the maelstrom of chaos that is the American eldercare system.
I now spend most days at a hospital, oncology center, assisted living facility or doctor’s office.
Medical support staff and practitioners across every discipline with whom I’ve interacted are stressed, stretched thin, overworked and understaffed.
I have never been more exasperated with inconsistent service, recurrent medical mistakes, and excruciating wait times — for everything and anything….no matter how trivial.
And yet, I’ve never been more attuned to the need to manage expectations, be selective in picking my battles, and to extend Grace when things don’t go according to plan or schedule — which is more often than not!
I’m learning to release attachment to the way I believe things ought to be, and to surrender to the reality of how things actually are.
Because of Sheila, I’m mindful to give myself space to regroup before reacting in frustration, recognizing that the person on the receiving end may be engaged in battles with which I don’t have to contend or wrestling with struggles I know nothing about.
I don’t know where my journey into medical mayhem and caregiving chaos will ultimately lead, nor when it will end. But I can set an intention to engage with courtesy and civility as I navigate it — even when contending with those whose views may not align with my own.
To what extent would tensions ease in our polarized nation if more people proactively looked beyond ideological assumptions and focused foremost on seeing EACH individual’s humanity?
How would moments of disagreement be different if we gave people a piece of our heart instead of a piece of our mind.
I confess that some of the hateful and toxic views that I’ve heard espoused in recent years are ones with which I can find no common agreement.
But I also know that continued escalation of the rage and fury that characterized the last few years will ultimately transport us to a dark and divisive place from which it will be difficult to return.
No act of kindness is too small. Kindness may start as a small ripple that over time grows into a tidal wave affecting the lives of many! (~Kevin Heath)
Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see. (~Mark Twain)
Kindness is one of the most important tools with which to spread love among humanity. In a world where you can be anything…Be Kind!
Beautiful and poignant and hopeful words. Thank you. Your grace in the midst of the hardship you are navigating is balm for my soul today. I am praying for respite and rest for you and your family as you walk through all this.
Your words remind me of the decorative tile a friend gave us that we have hanging in our living room. It says “Love is where compassion prevails and kindness rules.”
You bring to us the truth of how unexpected and fleeting this life can be. At a time when the “culture of belligerence “ has seemingly been normalized, your story checks our ethics and frustrated inclinations. We do have the choice of how we respond to life, every day, multiple times a day. Let’s choose loving kindness, on repeat. Kindness matters. Thank you for your thoughtful post.