Parenting the Parent Who Once Parented You - Ruminations & Reflections on the Realities of Elder Care
Hope Infusion Newsletter ~ September 1st Edition
This past May, medical mayhem descended upon my world like a swarm of locusts — voracious in its consumption of my time, energy, and attention.
It started with a blood transfusion. It ended with multiple near fatal medical mishaps.
Time brings all things to pass and has an amazing ability to show us what really matters.
In just a few ticks of the clock my father went from independent retiree living alone, to dependent senior citizen, unable to perform basic functions of daily living.
Time, came as a thief, breaking in and sneaking away with precious fragments of his health, well-being, and vitality.
Time moves slowly, but passes quickly! How did it get so late so soon?
Just when I thought my parenting days were over, my life transformed into a living illustration of the idiom, “Once a man, twice a child”.
In 2021, my youngest of three children graduated college, secured her first job, and joined her siblings in exiting the parental payroll. My husband and I exhaled a sigh of relief and rejoiced that our child rearing days were done. Mission Accomplished!
Then Spring and Summer 2022 arrived, totally upending our new normal.
It was a lightning strike that seemingly came from nowhere, decimating our new found freedom, and sparking a flame that consumed our plans for empty nester-hood, burning them to fine ash.
Life threw us a pop quiz, and the subject matters were elder care and crisis management!
Overnight my world was consumed with ologies: Hematology, Oncology, Nephrology, Cardiology, Pulmonology, Endocrinology.
Overnight I was introduced to PICC lines and oxygen concentrators, glucometers and pulse oximeters, Medicare and Medicaid, advanced directives and DNR’s.
Overnight I schedule every appointment, approve every procedure, sign every document, speak to every healthcare practitioner, pay for every expense.
Every decision of my father’s existence is now mine to make!
The similarities to my days of child rearing are not lost on me.
When my kids were young, we didn’t go anywhere without a diaper bag filled with “must have” essentials. The diaper bag of yesteryear has been replaced with a backpack that we likewise dare not leave home without.
But instead of baby formula, we pack Ensure. Instead of Pampers, we pack Depends. Instead of Tylenol, we pack Insulin. Instead of a stroller we carry a wheelchair.
I’ve adapted to a season characterized by crisis, in which I exist from medical mishap, to medical plot twist, to medical disaster.
My father was hospitalized five times in three months, FOUR of which were the DIRECT and documented result of egregious errors by medical professionals responsible for his care.
It has been exasperating, infuriating, and exhausting! I find myself engaged in an unfortunate game of medical whack-a-mole. As soon as I hit one healthcare crisis on the head, another more consequential one pops up in its place.
Yet despite all the disruption, when I still myself, and sit in the silence of meditative reflection, a Divine whisper tickles the ears of my soul reminding me to look beyond the chaos and see the lessons. And I am lovingly encouraged to remember that every crisis is an opportunity to be taught if I’m open, receptive, and willing to learn.
This crisis has taught me much about the illusion of control and the embrace of surrender.
This crisis has taught me inconvenient truths surrounding elder care and end of life planning to which I was oblivious before being thrown into the deep end of this pool and challenged with learning to tread water or drown!
This crisis has forced me to look at things I’d rather not see, acknowledge hard truths I’d rather not know, and internalize grave realities that I desperately wish were otherwise.
Our society values the beginning of life in a manner that, does not extend to the waning years of existence. I’ve been humbled and horrified by what I have witnessed of the heart-rending medical, financial, and residential dilemmas faced by many seniors as they progress through their sunset years.
At the same time, I’ve grown enamored with their recollections of times past, and the wisdom acquired with age — both of which I’m exposed to in abundance now that I spend a significant amount of my time in the company of elders.
I’ve grown attentive to wrinkles that tell of an incredible journey. Eye lines that tell of laughter and warm smiles. Foreheads that tell of worries past. And wizened frames that speak of traveling many decades to this moment; An age at which our society tends to dismiss you as “old” — when seniors are so much more than the sum of their parts.
Our elderly are human treasure troves filled with exquisite gems of wisdom, history, and story. The significance of their life is not diminished when their most physically productive years are behind them.
America could learn much from some of the eldercare solutions that have been embraced by other countries; Like a Dutch nursing home that allows college students to live rent free alongside senior citizens1, or a Swedish housing development that’s structured to encourage old and young to mingle.2
Care programs which facilitate relationships across generations have been meticulously studied and shown to increase wellbeing for all participants. Yet, sites of this sort, which number in the tens of thousand in countries like Japan, England, Canada, Spain and Singapore — number fewer than 150 in the United States.3
Perhaps we should consider creating more.
Navigating the multi-faceted complexities of old age is a growing challenge in need of innovative solutions. I neither deny nor downplay the difficulties. But I make that acknowledgement being fully persuaded that shepherding a soul through the final phase of their journey to eternity is a sacred act, and warrants recognition as such.
I believe that death is as holy, precious, and worthy of reverential awe as birth.
And I say that as one living the somber and sometimes painful realities that accompany parenting the parent who once parented you.
Caregiving is hard work that can require leaning into a love, patience, and resolve that we may not have realized was possible.
But caring for our seniors is one of the greatest responsibilities we have. “Those who walked before us have given much and made possible the life that we enjoy.” (John Hoeven)
“A population that does not take care of the elderly and the young has no future, because it abuses both its memory and its promise.” (Pope Francis)
My hope is that we would make positive strides toward prioritizing care for souls for whom life is drawing to a close, to the same extent that we do for those souls for whom life is just beginning.
My hope is that we would pause and recognize that with the passage of time, we ourselves will someday join the ranks of the frail and aged and consider how we desire to be cared for, as we consider how to care for those in that phase of life now.
My Hope is that in so doing, we would fiercely guard, cherish, and protect both our memory and our promise!
The Power of Proximity: Co-Locating Childcare and Eldercare
Caregivers Are Mad As Hell, is a riveting collection of essays penned by journalist and author Ann Brenoff during the year in which she assumed the role of caregiver for her late husband.
I devoured it in one sitting, heartened by her raw, transparent, and gripping accounts of many of the difficulties, obstacles, and frustrations I’ve personally faced navigating the minefield that is the United States health care system.
Ann conveys her recollections in a frank, gritty, and transparent manner, with no sugar coating and no holding back. She says the quiet parts out loud and does so in an engaging fashion.
I enjoyed this book, not because of what it taught me, but because of how it spoke for me. It validated my experiences and assured me that what I encountered was not an anomaly. I highly recommend this book for anyone who finds themselves in the position of reluctant caregiver, or for anyone desiring a glimpse into the stark realities of how our healthcare system functions for the aged and dying.
Description
The very foundation of our health-care system relies on family members stepping up and taking on the day-to-day care of their sick or disabled loved ones. It’s a big job – an all-consuming job – for which there is no training, no help, and certainly no financial support. And yet, today there are 53 million Americans thrust into the difficult role of taking care of a loved one who can’t live without their help.
In 2016, I became one of them. I was working full-time and raising our two children when my husband’s kidneys failed, and overnight, I became his primary caregiver. It was inarguably the most difficult time of my life and I wasn’t even the patient.
One thing became very clear to me: Family caregivers were mad as Hell and nobody was listening was listening to them.
Not much has changed. Unpaid family caregivers save the economy more than $500 billion a year by doing work that nurses and paid professionals previously did. And they often do it at the expense of their own health and financial well-being.
Caregivers do what they do out of love, financial necessity, guilt and yes, a healthy dose of pressure and obligation. They are rarely given a choice. They sometimes provide care for parents who abused them and spouses they should have divorced years earlier. But even where the love fires still burn intensely, most caregivers feel unappreciated, unvalued and overwhelmed.
My husband died in January 2017 and my hope is to help today’s family caregivers thrust into the situation I lived through.
I want to spread the word about their frustrations, their sadness, their anger – and to ensure that future generations won’t be tasked with these same burdens under these same conditions. I also want to offer hope to those living through the experience. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.
When in the midst of the chaos, it is so difficult to articulate to another person how you are feeling, how you are operating minute by minute, every detail that you are juggling at the same time! If you were never good at multitasking, this is the real test! I am so appreciative of this post. I sat here crying because you are telling my story, revealing my heart and I am still grieving after the loss of both parent with Alzheimer's. It was a 10-year journey of feeling what true love, advocacy and justice is all about. It purposed me but not without pain and sorrow. I would never change the deep connection and affection for our elders that has blossomed within me as a result of my journey, for which I thank GOD always! I am holding space for you and will keep you in my prayers. Your words are solace to me and so many others. Not sure if you know it or not but you are a conduit, a facilitator sharing the uncomfortable truths, letting us know we are not alone and there is hope. Be well.
Olivia, Awesome post and deeply resonates with me. Where you are and what you are thinking is the exact place I was in when I met you and how my Caregiver business was born. I pray for you and your family but know you'll come out the other end with all the grace and poise you've always presented. Take care!